It’s probably time for me to come clean and tell you I’m full of sh**. In all fairness, I didn’t realize this fact until last Wednesday when I finished writing up the week’s post about staying on track during December, but then it hit me:
I haven’t been giving my best this month, either. I’ve been eating poorly, sleeping badly, training less frequently, and sometimes you have to just call things the way they are and admit that you held up the mirror and recoiled in disgust.
This is me at my best. I have not been this guy lately.
I, Jonathan Aluzas, am full of cow poop.
Last Wednesday evening I was walking the dogs with my wife, Melina, and grumbling to myself. Literally. When I’m feeling salty I actually narrate it out loud. I blurted out something about how I hadn’t trained at all that week and my wife gently suggested I go for a run after the dog walk. To de-stress. Which is code for; “I don’t really want to hear you cry like a 9 year old girl anymore, so be a man about it and go do something.”
Or, maybe not. But that’s how I heard it.
“I have too much to do,” I moaned. Or whined. I’m not sure, but I didn’t like the sound of my voice or the words I was forming. I don’t truck with the “too much to do” excuses when other people try to sell them, and I rarely buy into such nonsense myself, so hearing myself say it made me realize I was in deep. And didn’t want to put in the work to climb out.
But I had to. So, step one was admitting the problem, which I have done. And step two is coming clean about the extent to which I have been playing it small this month.
So, without further ado, here are Seven Ways I’ve Been Full of Sh** This Month.
#1 – My training has been just short of pathetic since I did the Spartan Beast on November 17th.
This was the longest race I’ve ever run.
Now, in all fairness, I trained like a crazy person for the Beast, and it all paid off, because the five of us who ran it together did really well! It was a 14 mile obstacle course in the rain and shoe-sucking mud, and it was tough. I deserved to take a few days off and I did, and then the few days turned into four, and by the fifth day I couldn’t live with myself anymore and got back to work. But I only put in half a dozen workouts before I did the Spartan Sprint on back to back days, December 1st and 2nd. And then I figured I deserved a few more days off and that’s when the wheels came off the car and I found myself jabbering like a mad person on the dog walk on Wednesday.
Solution: On Thursday morning when I went into my gym in Northridge, I jumped into the 8am Spartan Sport class I teach (an endurance-based, interval group training workout), and did a strength-training-sprint-circuit the following day at my gym in Encino. Sunday I went hill running at Fryman Canyon, which was absolutely awful, so I’m back in the game.
#2 – I have been living on M&M’s, Jelly Beans, Gingerbread Men and other delicious WMD’s since Thanksgiving.
This is what the Devil would look like if he was made of cardboard.
This is an annual issue in my house. At this time of year, my wife likes to stock up on candy and cookies and other tasty nightmares “for the guests.” Here’s the thing: We almost never have anyone over. So, I end up being “the guests,” and mowing through it all like a stoned guy at the Sizzler buffet. I beg her not to buy it, because I’m the eating version of Ron Bergundy (“Ron will read literally anything on the teleprompter. And I mean A-NY-THING.”). If it’s in the house, I’ll eat it, and I mean A-NY-THING and EVERYTHING. My solution is to not have it in the house, that’s how I stay clean! I won’t go out and buy it, but if it’s there, it’s not there for long.
Solution: There’s no perfect solution beyond restraint, I’m just forcing myself to slow down massively on the junk food and eat sunflower seeds and similar stuff instead. And I’m still begging my wife not to buy more crap.
#3 – I haven’t been using the foam roller as much as I should, probably because I haven’t been training as much as I should.
Hurts so good. True story.
In the process of training for all of the races I did this year I really began to embrace and enjoy self myofascial release, aka foam rolling. It does wonders for sore, aching muscles and joints, and I get really deep pain in and around my hips and butt from running that foam rolling mitigates incredibly well. Slacking off on my training yielded less foam rolling which yielded more pain which yielded me mumbling to myself grumpily on dog walks. As a personal trainer, I adamantly recommend foam rolling to anyone who will listen and often to people who not only won’t listen but who have absolutely no interest in anything I have to say. I love foam rolling. But I dropped it out and paid the price, so…..
Solution: I am reminded of a scene in Rocky 3 in which the sports reporter asks Mr. T:
“What’s your prediction for the fight?”
“Prediction?” Mr. T licks his lips and looks into the camera. “Pain.”
Yeah, that’s the price I had to pay. Skipping merrily past the foam roller, I went straight to the hard stuff as penance. Last Thursday night I busted out the PVC pipe covered with blue painting tape, a fully inflated 4lb medicine ball and a softball that isn’t soft at all, but is, in fact, harder than hell. Like the Opus Day freak from The Da Vinci Code, I had to self-flagellate the weakness and failure from my body. The PVC roller is like concrete, and using it on your IT Bands is like dying. The medicine ball gets into my hip flexors like the angry fingers of an underpaid masseuse, and the “soft”ball penetrates into my ass and piriformis muscles in a way that will have you answering the question, “Is it safe?” quicker than you can imagine.
#4 – I haven’t been drinking water and have, in fact, reverted to coffee because I’ve been tired lately.
Drink until you pee clear, that’s my motto. Or should be.
Years back I used to drink two Starbucks Venti drip coffees every morning, which was ridiculous. Several months ago I switched to green tea in the morning and coffee on weekends only. But I’ve been tired lately so I’ve been sneaking coffee in during the week every once in a while. I pounded a two-banger of home brew before my workout last Thursday, the aforementioned Spartan Sport class I took, and I thought I was going to hear a muffled thud, glance down and see a mushroom cloud emanating from my chest. I haven’t had caffeine before a workout in a LONG time and I though my heart was going to explode. It was hammering like a fat guy on a hamster wheel. Have you ever drank so much coffee that you’re out of breath just standing there? It was kind of like that. But with burpees, rowing machines and sled pushes thrown in.
Solution: After that heart-pounding event I just decided to be more conscious about drinking more water. So, I have my cup at the front desk of the gym and fill it at least once an hour. And spend a lot of time trekking to and from the bathroom.
#5 – Why have I been tired? Because I haven’t been sleeping well. Why haven’t I been sleeping well?
Beagles; every home should have one. Or two.
There are three reasons I haven’t been sleeping well. One reason is on the left. His name is Chase, he was rescued from a laboratory in Spain, and he likes to sleep on my head. The second reason, on the right and named Oliver, was rescued from the mean streets of Bakersfield and sleeps under the covers in between my legs. They don’t give me much room, they move around a lot, and I’m a light sleeper anyway. People say, “Don’t let them sleep in your bed.” Ridiculous. They’re my boys, and I’d rather not sleep than not have them there. The third reason I haven’t been sleeping well is stress. I just don’t manage it well, and when you have two gyms and poor stress management skills, your sleep suffers.
Solution: I’m not moving the dogs, so it’s going to have to be on the stress management side of things, and it has been. I have actually been doing breathing and meditating exercises almost every day for 20 minutes or so and it helps immensely. You should try it.
#6 – I have averaged one massage every three or four years over the last decade.
Bliss.
I don’t really have an explanation or excuse for this, it’s just the way it is. I recommend to everyone that they do it, but I never do.
Solution: I’m booking a deep tissue massage this week at a new place down the street. I hope it’s good. I should probably get one for Melina, too, considering she’s had to put up with my crap lately….
#7 – Too much meat, not enough produce.
An apple a day, plus about 15 servings of other produce, keeps the doctor away.
For reasons entirely unknown to me I just sometimes slip up on my eating and, well, suck. It often corresponds with fatigue and general malaise. Studies actually show that sleep deprivation leads to weight gain. I haven’t gained weight, but I haven’t been doing my body any good by chowing down on too much meat lately. I firmly believe that meat, and that includes animal flesh of any kind, land or sea, is bad for us. With that in mind, I’m trying to work my way toward vegetarianism, but when I hit a rough patch I fall back on old habits.
The solution: Slap myself in the face and carry around a bunch of fruit and veggies when I leave the house in the morning. Blueberries with oatmeal when I wake up, then an apple and banana once I get to work and I have three servings of good, organic produce before 7am. That, at the very least, gets me off to a good start, and if I can follow that up with a couple of salads or veggies with dinner I’m good to go.
The takeaway: Look, I slip up sometimes, too, despite my best efforts. We all do. It’s not a terminal condition, it just requires a bit of self-reflection and willingness to correct the course. I won’t ask you to go anywhere I won’t go myself because, for the most part, there is nowhere that you have gone that I haven’t been, too. I have righted the ship, you can do it, too.
Alright, I’m back on track. Are you? If not, I’ll have 7 more ideas for reactivating your program coming tomorrow.
Jonathan Aluzas isn’t usually full of sh** and is the owner of Arena Fitness, a personal training, semi private training and group exercise facility with gyms in Northridge and Encino.
